Don’t give up the fight
Lately, my heart has really gone out to all the men in this world struggling with pornography that honestly believes that they can’t be free. They’ve dealt with it for so many years, they’ve fought so hard and failed themselves so many times that they have finally accepted that it’s just who they are. They believe that regardless of the amount of trouble it causes, regardless of how it hurts their wife, and regardless of what it does to their family that they have no choice. They sincerely believe that it is beyond their control and that they simply don’t have what it takes to stop. I know because I’ve been there. Let me share a bit of my testimony.
My story of addiction
As a teenager, I knew I was called to the ministry, but the one habitual sin that I felt like I just couldn’t shake was lust. While actual pornography didn’t start until I moved out of my parents home, lust had been an issue for years. Once I started viewing pornography guilt and shame went to another level. I started doing everything I could think of to get free. I would punish myself by taking away anything pleasurable for extended periods of time when I would relapse. I would not allow myself to eat for a while. wouldn’t go hang out with friends, etc. When that didn’t work I stepped up to accountability and installed trackers on my computers where anything I viewed was made public to my accountability partners. That just led to some awkward and embarrassing conversations but I still didn’t get free.
Finally, in a last ditch effort to get free I asked my mom to call me once a week and ask me if I had viewed pornography. Because if there is one person in this world I would not want to have to confess to it would be her. I thought that would be enough. My sweet mom did what I asked, but it still didn’t work and just created a lot of awkward and very uncomfortable moments for both me and her. I started to believe that I wouldn’t ever be free. That there was no hope for my freedom; That I was never going to be able to fully step into all that God had for me (which I knew part of the ministry I was called to was to preach purity and holiness for the sake of love). I had done everything I knew to do. I had gone to pastors, parents, accountability software, punished myself, and yet nothing had changed. I didn’t think I had what it took. I thought I was just too weak.
You’re not alone
I know there are men reading this that feel exactly the same way. You may even be lying to your wife and kids because you’ve been given an ultimatum of either quitting or losing your family. So you lie to keep your family. But I’m telling you, men, everything eventually comes out anyway. Don’t add the guilt of lying on top of everything else. I believe lying has even greater consequences than addiction (both eternally and to your family) because addiction is a sin of weakness and the Bible even addresses a special grace for that. But lying is an intentional, willful sin that only doubles up on the pain you will cause your loved ones. I honestly don’t believe you can live a lifetime of lying about this and be a Christian. The Holy Spirit will be constantly convicting you about it, and if you shut Him down and tell him no then you have chosen not to make Him the Lord of your life. But this is a side issue to the main topic I want to address. Let me get back to the main point. I digress.
The good news
There is good news! I dealt with pornography for probably 8 years on and off. Doing good and then relapsing every couple months. But due to the goodness and grace of God, I’ve been free, without a single relapse, for nearly 5 years now. And I’m thankful that God helped me so that I was able to never once have been unfaithful to Jessica in that way. From the very first time I ever told her I liked her and until now I have never once masturbated to or watched pornography (or any other kind of image or video of another woman).
I don’t say that to brag, but to give hope. Especially for any married men out there struggling with pornography. If it is threatening your marriage I really want to encourage you. I know many men feel that freedom is not even a legitimate option. In their minds, there are only two options. 1) Either she accepts me with this weakness or 2) She leaves. Actually, I guess some men create a third option of “I lie” but that shouldn’t be an option and ultimately won’t work for you in the long run anyways. You’ll eventually get caught. BUT THERE IS A LEGITIMATE THIRD OPTION! One that allows you to be honest and still have peace in your marriage. That option is that you find freedom from pornography! I know it may seem impossible, BUT IT’S NOT.
Look, I was in the same boat as you. I felt hopeless. I had tried everything I knew to do but I thought it was impossible. BUT I GOT FREE! The Lord has empowered me to protect my family in honesty and with transparency. If I can do it then you can do it. There’s no difference between me and you. Let’s talk about how.
What’s the key to defeating pornography?
I don’t believe the answer is installing another key tracker on your computer to keep tabs on your searches. The answer is to truly fall head over heels in love with Jesus. To spend DAILY time in the word of God. To talk DAILY with God. To turn on worship music and worship God DAILY. To remove the worldly influences from your life. Stop watching movies, shows, and listening to music with nudity and sex scenes. You may say, “I can handle it” but if you’re still addicted to pornography then obviously you’re wrong. You can’t handle it, and those outside influences are making it all the more difficult to keep your thoughts in line.
So I would worry less about trying to find the secret to freedom from pornography and focus more on just simply falling in love with Jesus and spending daily quality time with Him. As you get to know Him personally and His character your entire perspective and understanding of life will change. Then freedom from porn will happen naturally. At least that was my experience. The more my focus was on fighting pornography the weaker I felt. When my focus was just simply getting to intimately know Jesus the other happened naturally.
But I’m not talking about just going to church on Sunday. I’m talking about hardcore pursuit of Christ on your own time. Daily quality time with Him and seeking out His mysteries through prayer, Bible study, and worship. And soon, you’ll become addicted to that instead! I know it doesn’t sound appealing right now. But trust me, if you change your diet your appetite will eventually change too.
Don’t give up! You got this! You have what it takes because you have Christ!
Living to touch God’s heart,
Chris Ulery
Logged into Facebook? Leave a reply.