Does marriage ruin sex?

“Marriage ruins sex” seems to have become a common mantra in pop culture. Seeing as how the overwhelming majority of those peddling this ideal are unmarried I’d like to speak up and add my voice to the mix, as a married man, and let you know that marriage most certainly does not ruin sex. I was a virgin until I married my wife at age 30, and I have not once regretted waiting for her. Nor have I suffered any negative consequences by choosing to wait for marriage to begin a sexual relationship. Quite the contrary.

To the singles:

I’ve heard the locker room talk of guys bragging about how good they are in bed, but until a man can balance the mundane responsibilities of successfully running a household (required to make your wife feel safe) with the playfulness, imagination, freedom, and unrestrained passion required to stimulate her erotic side then he hasn’t accomplished anything. Any dimwitted schmuck can stimulate a woman’s body for one night. That’s not impressive at all, but once you can also touch her heart, excite her mind, and do it day-in and day-out with increasing passion as though it’s your first time with her THEN you have something to brag about. Only marriage provides the frame work for that to happen, and anything less than this is cheap, cowardly, and a mockery of what sex has the potential to be. When you partner the unreserved, lifelong devotion of marriage with the physical expression of that devotion the results are nothing short of explosive. A fleeting one night stand could never begin to compare to the experience of joyfully giving every part of yourself to the person who has taken your very identity as their own.

Until you can give yourself to a partner who has committed to stick with you through a lifetime of joyous mountaintops, as well as through every dark valley, then any sexual act will just be wading in the shallows bound by fear from plunging into the depths of true sexual connection. This random hook-up culture reminds me of a hoarder who wastes their life collecting worthless trinkets around home because they are too scared to embark on a great adventure to claim a priceless treasure, or a child who opts for sloshing around the sandbox in the backyard because they can’t comprehend the offer of a vacation to the sea. Once you’ve made love to the person that you will not only wake up next to in the morning, but will wake up next to every morning from now on then, and only then, will you know how truly blissful sex can be. Our generation is missing out on one of the greatest gifts ever given to man because they’ve been duped into believing the lies of our confused and floundering culture.

It seems like everywhere you look, in movies, TV, music, and even advertisements, an idea is being spread that marriage relationships are boring and monotonous, and wild nights of promiscuity are exciting and fulfilling. In a world where pre-marital abstinence is mocked, exchanging wives for a night is considered a normal recreational activity, and being confused over what gender you are is applauded it is no surprise people have no idea what true love looks like. If this constitutes our society’s understanding of love than it is no wonder marriages are struggling in the sex department and divorce rates are skyrocketing.

To those married:

If you are struggling with sex in your marriage then I’d like to present the idea for your consideration that sex is not inherently the problem. Maybe the problem is you’ve allowed familiarity to breed contempt. Have you stopped looking at your partner with new eyes as though it’s your first time to see them? Have you allowed unresolved conflicts to build bitterness between you two? Have you let yourself go and stopped trying to impress your partner? I would wager that if your sex life has died in your marriage it is because the romance died first. Sex is not your problem. Sex is a gift. Selfishness, lack of communication, insensitivity, resentment, unforgiveness, laziness, and lack of effort are your problem. If you are experiencing a less-than-awesome sex life then the experts recommend implementing some of these steps to give it a boost:

• Treat your partner as if you’re dating
• Romance your spouse outside the bedroom
• Plan a date night
• Talk with your partner
• Listen to your partner
• Create a safe environment where your partner can share their desires without fear of shame
• Keep physically fit and attractive for your partner
• Maintain perspective on sex as life ebbs and flows
• Resolve any underlying conflicts as they will spillover to the bedroom
• Honor your partner by keeping your eyes only for them
• Have fun and engage in foreplay
• Be adventurous and creative in and outside the bedroom
• Exercise, preferably together
• Stop smoking and get your partner to quit
• Watch your weight and cholesterol

Sex on fire

Only within the covenant of marriage can the fires of sex be properly fueled. Stop letting men and women either too selfish or too cowardly to commit to marriage try to tell you what defines good sex. Hollywood WISHES they could capture the passion of sincere, committed love on film, but they know nothing of it. The full potential of sex is reserved for those brave enough to commit to a person in a covenant for a lifetime. How could you NOT be roused to incredible passion with someone willing to do that for you? There’s nothing more beautiful and sexy than having a forever partner to explore, study, and learn with.

Young people, don’t believe this world’s deceits. Save yourself for the one brave enough to commit their entire life to you. Their passion will not be easily squelched, and I promise you will not regret it. God knows best. He had YOUR best interest in mind when He chose to limit sex to the bounds of marriage. Trust Him. He never disappoints.
God’s way is the best way. It’s what you were created for, and only His way will ever bring you lasting satisfaction and contentment.

Living to touch God’s heart,
Chris Ulery
divine-romance.com